I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
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