I wish I could teleport
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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