i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
