I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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