You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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