I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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