you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
