I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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