Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
