apparently the secret to your success is patron
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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