He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
