That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
