I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize