Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Everclear isn't food dammit
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
