Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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