i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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