Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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