Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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