I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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