I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
