there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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