My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just high enough for therapy.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
