I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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