I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
