im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
