There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize