I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
