so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
