Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
