Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
