How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
