Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
