I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
