I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize