god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
