I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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