you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
