I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
