you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
