i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
