....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
