someone owes me an orgasm
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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