When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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