I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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