At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
