i may or may not be watching the land before time
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize