My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
