Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
