I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize