He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
