Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
