Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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