There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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