Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
