oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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