I can text with my tongue
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
