Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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