she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
