Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
