dude i'm inner monologue high
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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